I must have been about 7. My sister and I were crying in the car. My mother scolded my father. My father tried to back pedal; “I didn’t call her a bitch, I said she was acting like a bitch. She should not be aggravating MY SON.”
I heard the phrase “my son” whenever my sister or I did something my father or brother did not like or approve of. My brother was a TERROR. One nightmare of a little brother. we fought like crazy, so I heard it a lot. Thankfully now that we are grown, my siblings and I are all very tight.
I struggled a lot while growing up feeling as though my parents did not love me. I would tell my parents that as a child. I specifically remember one time my dad informing me that he loved my older sister a lot and she was special because she was the oldest. My brother he loved because he was his only son, my little sister he loved because she was the baby of the family, and me, well he felt bad for me because I was allergic to dairy. Did my parents love me? Yes, they did love me. Did my father specifically love me? Yes, I believe he did. Did/does he love me as much as my siblings? Absolutely not.
Growing up I was envious of the father my younger two siblings had. My older sister and I were in the same boat together when it came to my father. I do not know if he did not know what to do with a daughter until my sweet little sister came along, or what the deal was. Although I was envious of the love my two younger siblings received from my father, I was not fully aware of what I was missing out on until I was in my late twenties. I began searching to fill the void that I was not aware I had.
My father is a very loving man (I am told that I still defend him to this day lol.) For those that have seen the recent version of Footloose there is a scene where the mother says to the preacher father something along the lines of; “you do so well loving and leading your congregation but you don’t know how to love the ones right in front of you.” That sums it up perfectly.
Nothing really stuck out, nothing that my father specifically did or did not do that triggered the path that I chose. I now later in life have a father figure in my life. When going through childhood, as a child with an absent father figure living with you day to day, one does not notice what the void they have is created by. I lived with my married parents, my father was a great one, provided for his family, a Pastor. Without a father’s love there is a void. With a void SO great, a young girl will try and fill it. She does not know the cause of the void, she just feels the pain.
I felt pain.