Monthly Archives: May 2013

All of the Lights

My heart raced.  This was so exciting.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was at the strip club, on the fourth floor, the dancer’s locker room.  During my first visit to watch my friend perform, I saw for the first time Sophia Simone.  Sophia Simone was the most erotically intoxicating female I had ever laid eyes on.  She won Miss Nude USA every year, and it was obvious why.  She was stunning.  She was now right in front of me, perched on a stool, topless, smoking, looking in the mirror, complaining about her boyfriend.  

There was some obnoxiously sweet gay guy smothered in makeup dolling up the girls, trading stories about other dancers, managers, and customers.  He has his little chiwawa with him.  There was a little store that carried costumes, lingire, shoes, and emergency needs.  I was in awe of all these beauties.  Some were laughing, some were crying, some were practicing their moves on a pole, and some were applying makeup to places I never would have thought to put makeup.  I was in.

We headed over to her locker.  She handed me a pair of shoes, 8 inch heels.  I put them on immediately to learn how to walk in them.  Later I would learn the every single dancer has a story of when they have fallen, and I would eventually have mine.  I threw on a g-string, fish nets, a garter belt, and a lacey bra.  Then came the pounds of make up, and fake eye lashes.  I looked good.  I looked like one of them.  

I checked myself out in the mirror on the ceiling of the elevator.  We held hands as we walked out.  She guided me and did all the talking.  We danced together.  I learned how to give a lap dance on willing men, happy to pay double the regular price in order to have two girls dance for them instead of one.  I was introduced on stage, and did a stage set all on my own by the end of the evening.

We counted our money, tipped the staff, and walked out to her brand new SUV the valet boys had waiting for us.  I loved the attention from the customers and from the staff.  I was the gorgeous, mysterious new girl.  I was part of it.  I could not wait to come back.Image

Preacher’s Daughter’s Daddy Issues

I must have been about 7.  My sister and I were crying in the car.  My mother scolded my father.  My father tried to back pedal; “I didn’t call her a bitch, I said she was acting like a bitch.    She should not be aggravating MY SON.”

I heard the phrase “my son” whenever my sister or I did something my father or brother did not like or approve of. My brother was a TERROR.  One nightmare of a little brother.  we fought like crazy, so I heard it a lot.  Thankfully now that we are grown, my siblings and I are all very tight.  

I struggled a lot while growing up feeling as though my parents did not love me.  I would tell my parents that as a child.  I specifically remember one time my dad informing me that he loved my older sister a lot and she was special because she was the oldest.  My brother he loved because he was his only son, my little sister he loved because she was the baby of the family, and me, well he felt bad for me because I was allergic to dairy.  Did my parents love me?  Yes, they did love me.  Did my father specifically love me?  Yes, I believe he did.  Did/does he love me as much as my siblings?  Absolutely not.  

Growing up I was envious of the father my younger two siblings had.  My older sister and I were in the same boat together when it came to my father.  I do not know if he did not know what to do with a daughter until my sweet little sister came along, or what the deal was.  Although I was envious of the love my two younger siblings received from my father, I was not fully aware of what I was missing out on until I was in my late twenties.  I began searching to fill the void that I was not aware I had.

My father is a very loving man (I am told that I still defend him to this day lol.)  For those that have seen the recent version of Footloose there is a scene where the mother says to the preacher father something along the lines of; “you do so well loving and leading your congregation but you don’t know how to love the ones right in front of you.”  That sums it up perfectly.

Nothing really stuck out, nothing that my father specifically did or did not do that triggered the path that I chose.  I now later in life have a father figure in my life.  When going through childhood, as a child with an absent father figure living with you day to day, one does not notice what the void they have is created by.  I lived with my married parents, my father was a great one, provided for his family, a Pastor.  Without a father’s love there is a void.  With a void SO great, a young girl will try and fill it.  She does not know the cause of the void, she just feels the pain.  

I felt pain.

Popping Cherries

I couldn’t believe she was doing it. I couldn’t believe I was going to go and see her.  I wondered who else I might see there.  I wondered what it would be like.  I wondered if our relationship as friends would change after I saw her completely unclothed dancing on stage.  I wondered why she wanted me to come.  

It was the middle of the day, in the middle of the week.  My friend from High School was with me. After parking our car we hurriedly walked the busy downtown streets, checking over our shoulders before sliding in through the door.   The sun shone bright outside, but inside the smoke was thick, it was night.

We asked for her.  She looked stunning.  

“I’m on stage next.  Sit over there.”  pointing to two seats in front of the empty stage.

We sat.  “I can’t believe we are going to see her naked!”  We nervously snickered to each other.  I felt no guilt.  She came on stage, she was beautiful, she danced, she smiled.  She was completely nude with one ankle resting on my shoulder.  She was comfortable.  We were comfortable.  This was beautiful, this was fun.  Oh, and she just made more money in one hour, than I made in one week working four jobs.  

The owner smiled at me.  “You’re cute.  When are you going to start working here?”

We looked at each other, giggled and blushed, and headed out.

Driving back we discussed what we saw.  Our consciences did not bother us, we felt nothing was wrong.  We were surprised that is was not as big of a deal as we had thought.  She was smart to do it.  We paid money to get into clubs and dance.  She was getting paid to have a great time.  If God had a problem with it, he would have made us feel guilty.  We did not feel guilty.  We will definitely go again!